Rory McIlroy chose not to play in this week’s Memorial golf tournament for a shocking reason.
Some have speculated that the Signature event’s $20 million purse — with $4 million going to the winner — wasn’t enough to make it worth McIlroy’s time and effort. Jimmy Wrightauf, host of the “Deductible Doings” podcast, believes McIlroy needs another 4 mil like Phil Mickelson needs a buffet comp at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.
“When you think about Rory’s expenses to play in any golf tournament,” says Wrightauf, “it’s obvious he’s got mucho denaro going out the door for things such as”:
- Caddie
- Agent
- Manager
- CPAs
- Attorneys
- Federal income tax
- Ohio state income tax
- Jet fuel
- Jet depreciation
- Jet pilot, co-pilot & flight attendant salaries
- Jet airport fees
- Macadamia nuts flown in from Maui
- Hotel & meals for flight crew for 6 days
- House rental
- Personal chef
- Trackman attendant
- Full swing coach
- Short game coach
- Somewhere between full swing and short game coach
- Putting coach
- Alignment stick coach
- Stock broker
- Stock broker coach
- Sports psychologist
- Gas tank fill-up for courtesy car
- Escrow account deposit for a possible future divorce
- Locker room attendant tips
- Dove Bar purchases for standard bearers
- Dry cleaning bills (if not paid for by Tournament organizers)
- Breakfasts & lunches for entourage (if not paid for by Tournament organizers)
- Bananas at 10th tee box (if not paid for by Tournament organizers)
- Sharpies (black only) for signing autographs (if not paid for by Tournament organizers)
Sources tell Golf Lampoon that Wrightauf is way off about Rory’s absence from The Memorial. We can now report — exclusively — that McIlroy is M.I.A because of a milkshake controversy. It seems that McIlroy is extremely choosy when it comes to milkshake ingredients. An anonymous Florida dessert coach tells Golf Lampoon that he would often visit McIlroy’s Jupiter home and create custom-made milkshakes flavored with cow juice flown in from a dairy farm 50 miles north of Belfast.
About two months ago, McIlroy told Memorial organizers that he would attend their tournament only if they would guarantee to make him — and his entourage — milkshakes with milk flown in from Northern Ireland.
At first, tournament host Jack Nicklaus agreed to this unusual request … but backed out when McIlroy demanded that the milk be flown from Belfast to Columbus, Ohio on Nicklaus’s private Gulfstream G800.
“This kid’s got some pretty big balatas,” said Nicklaus. “If he doesn’t like our all-American milkshakes, he can go pound sand in the nearest bunker.”
