In a cost-cutting measure, Augusta National Golf Club will be reducing its Pinkerton guard corps by REDACTED% at this year’s Masters Tournament.
Golf Lampoon has learned that drones — equipped with state-of-the-art cameras and patron-seeking missiles — will be patrolling the skies in search of gallery members who:
- Run
- Jog
- Jog>walk real fast
- Blow their noses into pimento cheese sandwich wrappers
- Urinate on the site of the Eisenhower Tree stump
- Blaspheme at Amen Corner
- Take selfies where Clifford Roberts offed himself
- Are overheard using the word “fan”
- Questioning a club member regarding the size of the 1979 Masters winner’s purse
- Don’t know the difference between its and it’s
- Purchase more than 1000 Masters umbrellas which is clearly indicative of a patron’s intent to sell the bumbershoots on eBay
ANGC Director of Security REDACTED says that “the club will save $ REDACTED by not employing REDACTED Pinkertons during Masters week. In addition, the drones give us the sophisticated air power to seek out repeat-offender patrons … and neutralize them. If the Babba-Booey/Mashed Potatoes crowd make their presence known anywhere on the property, I can assure you that it will be lock-and-load time at Augusta National. For those concerned about collateral damage to patrons, please refer to the terms and conditions printed on the reverse side of each admissions badge.”
