Congratulations to Michelle Wie and Jonnie West! They’re expecting a baby girl this summer and Nike, Wie’s longtime sponsor, has stepped up to “brand the ka-ka out of this kid.” Thus declared Larry Muscatel, Nike’s VP of Embryonic Affairs.
“First of all,” said Muscatel, “Nike is under no contractual obligation to provide the baby with any complimentary clothing or accessories. But we sent Michelle and Jonnie a Nike onesie anyway. (No matter that it was a return from our Sioux City factory outlet location.) We’re also sending the happy couple a custom-made baby mobile — fully branded
— to hang over the kid’s crib. We’ll bury that expense in an Augusta National order.
“I should stop using the word kid because we do know the baby’s a girl. Swear to God, when they did the ultrasound, the obstetrician thought she saw the placenta in the shape of the Nike swoosh! How cool is that?
“We’re hoping that PNC will invite Michelle and her girl to their Father-Son golf tournament in December. Why not? Michelle’s won a major: the U.S. Open. They let Annika Sorenstam and her father play in 2019; the last time I looked, her father didn’t win no major … and Annika ain’t no son!
“We’ll also be providing Michelle and Jonnie with a Nike intern to care for the baby when they bring her to a Warriors basketball game. If the kid drops a deuce, the Chase Center luxury boxes will get ripe faster than a Steph Curry fast break. That’s when the intern will haul ass out of the building and change the baby’s diaper in the parking lot. We’re
accepting a limited number of applications for this position; it’s a ground-floor opportunity to clean up other people’s shit and not get paid for it.
“As for other marketing opportunities … we’ve had some early discussions with Michelle’s coach, David Leadbetter, about providing in utero golf lessons. Here’s what Lead had to say:
In the second trimester, one of my assistants will speak directly into Michelle’s navel about creating a pre-shot routine. I’ll take over in the third trimester to underscore the importance of the big muscles in the golf swing. Hopefully, this will prevent the development of embryonic bad habits — such as getting handsy or wristy — swing flaws which could last a lifetime.
“Problem is, Leadbetter’s with Callaway and he’s always wearing that stupid plantation hat. Does he ever take off that thing? Does the guy have no shame? He’s like a walking logo. C’mon, Dave, give it a rest already,” says Muscatel.
“Anyway, we wish Michelle and Jonnie all the best with their little one. I understand that they haven’t come up with a name for her yet. I’d be remiss in my duties as Nike’s Embryonic Affairs VP if I didn’t suggest a truly fabulous name of Greek origin … the Goddess of Victory … yup, you guessed it: NIKE! Talk about making branding history!!!”
