Lowest Common Denominator Publishing, LLC, announced today the launching of a new golf magazine, Confused Golfer Digest. Publisher James Lawson, III made the following statement at a press conference held at Pine Foot Golf Club in Mamaroneck, New York:
“I’m excited to see so many of my friends from the press with whom I’ve shared so many golf outings. Hey, Eddie: I haven’t forgotten that $50 you owe me from that trip to Ballybunion!
“Today I want to announce the launch of a brand-new magazine: Confused Golfer Digest. We believe this is an editorial product that will serve the needs and aspirations of a heretofore ignored subset of the recreational golfer market: bewildered, mystified, and thoroughly screwed-up golfers.
“Other golf magazines — for generations — have provided readers with human interest stories, travel articles, interviews with touring professionals … AND golf swing instruction. Market research has revealed that golf swing instruction is what readers value most. Furthermore, we’ve learned that readers are oblivious — or just don’t care — that from week-to-week, month-to-month … even in the same issue — the swing advice is often conflicting and confusing.
“Thus, Confused Golfer Digest’s editorial mission will be to provide golfers with more — much more — of the conflicting swing instruction theories they so desperately crave. Our Charter Issue will be on the newsstands — if we can find newsstands still in existence — February 1st and will feature these exclusive articles:
- Escape the Sand Every Time: Open Your Stance/Don’t Open Your Stance!
- Lift Your Heel/Don’t Lift Your Heel!
- Restrict Your Hip Turn/Make A BIG Hip Turn!
- Play Every Shot Inside Your Front Heel/Move The Ball Around In Your Stance!
- The Big Muscles Control The Swing/The Hands & Arms Control The Swing!
- Keep Your Head Still/Let Your Head Move!
- And Much More!/And NOT Much More!
“I’m also excited for golf industry advertisers who will find an eager audience for their products. I know they’ll enjoy tossing about esoteric terms that always lower the Confused Golfer’s cranial membrane. These include: bounce, smash factor, moment of inertia, center of gravity, coefficient of restitution, launch angle, spin/tilt axis, club path, lie angle, and so many more!
“In conclusion, let me say to all of the confused golfers out there: Confused Golfer Digest hears you … and we feel for you. We hope you’ll give us the opportunity to provide you with more confusion as you continue your lifelong quest to break 90.
“And now gentlemen, let’s play some golf. It’s a shotgun start — the carts have goodie bags with sandwiches and liquid refreshments. Drinks in the Mangrum Lounge after the round and dinner in the Sarazen Room at 7:00. Have fun, everybody! And Eddie, I want my 50 bucks!”
