Golf Lampoon has learned that LIV Golf is “sportswashing” not to detract from Saudi Arabia’s human rights abuses … but to establish a monopoly network of gas stations in the U.S.
A “Petroleum Manifesto” was discovered recently in the toilet of Greg Norman’s private jet by a maintenance crew at REDACTED airport. The 20-page document had not been torn into pieces and was fully legible. The Manifesto, in chilling detail, revealed that LIV Golf plans to open a gas station in every PGA Tour city in the U.S. By offering to check a car’s oil and clean its windshield for FREE, LIV Golf Gas believes it will lure customers away from traditional self-serve gas stations.
Furthermore, as word-of-mouth spreads that LIV Golf Gas stations offer superior customer service, the Manifesto declares on page 14 that “demand for LIV Golf Gas stations will skyrocket and we will destroy and cut off the head of the competition, REDACTED willing.”
Golf Lampoon contacted Greg Norman for comment and his publicist emailed us the following: “ سنتولى صناعة محطات الوقود الأمريكية سنتولى حطات الوقود الأمريكية grow the game of golf. سنتولى صناعة محطات الوقود الأمريكيةسنتولى صناعة محطات الوقود الأمريكيةسنتولى صناعة fucking Jay Monahan can kiss my Aussie ass. محطات الوقود الأمريكية revenge is a dish best served cold. سنتولى صناعة محطات الوقود الأمريكيصناعة محطات الوقود الأمريكيةلأمريكية everybody makes mistakes الأمريكية سنتولى صناعة محطات الوقود الأمريكية and that goes for fucking Tim Finchem, too!”
