Golf Lampoon has learned that some golf instructors charge $10,000, $15,000, even 20,000 BIG ONES a day. These hefty sums prompted us to email a $15,000/day teaching pro with the following questions:
Golf Lampoon: I’m curious: what does a student get for 15 grand a day?
15 Big Ones: Not only will I hold his head while he swings … I’ll also touch him anywhere he’d like. For reasons I don’t understand, my lawyer says I can’t touch the female students.
GL: What else?
15 Big Ones: When we break for lunch, he gets a tuna sandwich prepared by my assistant. And I’m talking solid white albacore tuna, my friend. Those lowball $500-an-hour teachers serve that chunk light crap.
GL: No charge for condiments?
15 Big Ones: Kraft Miracle Whip is free. There’s a 50-cent upcharge for Hellmann’s — we break even on that. The 50 cents covers our cost of goods, transportation, refrigeration, depreciation, insurance, rent, and my assistant’s salary.
GL: Is it possible to transform a high-handicapper into a scratch player in just one day?
15 Big Ones: That depends on how you define “one day.” Some people believe that “one day” is important for what fills it rather than for its chronological dimension.
GL: What do you believe?
15 Big Ones: For me, “one day” means $15,000. But some guys charge less, some guys charge more.
GL: Yes. I believe one of your colleagues charges $20,000 a day.
15 Big Ones: 20,000??? Sonuvabitch!!! I told my manager we were priced too low!
GL: I assume a student gets your entire attention for the day?
15 Big Ones: Absolutely. We start promptly at 7:30 am at the range. My assistant greets the student with an Egg McMuffin, hash browns, and a large coffee. That’s included with the tuition. I have the student bang balls until 9:00 am while I check my emails and texts. Of course, I ALWAYS read the latest Golf Lampoon post. Man, you are talented! No wonder so many people worship you and offer you honorary private club memberships.
GL: You flatter me, sir.
15 Big Ones: Anyway, at 9:01, we jump into the mental game for 30 minutes. You know, “visualize the shot,” “don’t get too high/don’t get too low,” “pretend you’re still in utero” … all that crap. Then I take a quick 15-minute break to see what the market’s doing.
GL: What is the student doing during your break?
15 Big Ones: My assistant takes his lunch order. We offer all the major players: McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s. We used to offer Taco Bell but trust me: you don’t want to stand behind a student after he’s had a Burrito Supreme.
GL: Indeed. Hey, I’ve got a great “added value” idea that will separate you from your competition … something unique that your students will treasure forever. Picture this: I’ll be on site during the entire day to take notes and shoot lots of video. Then I’ll edit the video, write a 20-page essay capturing all of the fun and flavor of the experience, and upload it to a personalized website that the student can share with family and friends.
15 Big Ones: Hmm … interesting concept. How much would you charge to put together something like that?
GL: In the $1500 to $2000 range.
15 Big Ones: What??? Thief!!! You’ve got some real big ones, pal!
