LIV Golf Senior VP of Hostile Acquisitions, Sheik el-Shakeitup, announced today that the Saudi-based organization has reached an agreement to purchase Augusta National Golf Club for 10,000 trillion U.S. Dollars.
“We are excited to add Augusta National to our worldwide portfolio of premier properties,” said Shakeitup. “Going forward, with Greg Norman installed as Augusta National’s Chairman, we will be making additions and improvements that will increase this historic property’s value and elevate its status as the crown jewel of golf.”
Golf Lampoon reached out to Norman via Zoom for his take on the LIV Golf purchase and his plans for Augusta National’s future:
Golf Lampoon: I’m surprised that Augusta National was willing to sell.
Greg Norman: Everybody has their price, mate.
GL: Even billionaires like Augusta members Bill Gates and Warren Buffett?
GN: Especially those guys. We offered them each 5 trillion dollars U.S. deposited in a Swiss bank account… plus their own oil well … plus a “chop job” on any 10 people who’ve crossed them over the last 50 years.
GL: What about the other Augusta members?
GN: We made all of them very generous offers: mega upfront cash payments, free lifetime jet fuel, and free lifetime subscriptions to Write It Off magazine.
GL: Did any members refuse to sell?
GN: There were a handful and they were pretty vocal about their opposition.
GL: What did you do?
GN: What could we do? They left us no choice but to cut out their tongues.
GL: Geez, you LIV guys play for keeps.
GN: No question about it, we’re here to win.
GL: Will you still contest the Masters here?
GN: Of course … with a few changes. It’ll be rechristened — ooh, sorry, bad word — I mean, rebranded, as the True Believers Open.
GL: Open? Open to who?
GN: Open to all LIV Golf Tour members.
GL: What about PGA Tour members?
GN: They are non-believers, apostates who, if they’re spotted at the Wendy’s on Washington Road, will be required to translate the USGA’s Rules of Golf into Arabic.
GL: What happens if they can’t or refuse?
GN: We will remove the heads of their swing coach (driver through 4-iron), short game coach (lob through gap wedge), putting coach (especially those “pointing” guys), sport psychologist, dietician, caddie, agent, manager, social media coordinator, alignment stick cleaner, and Jupiter, FL video game retail store manager.
GL: What about pilots and co-pilots?
GN: Believe it or not, not all the guys fly private these days. But the ones who do, yeah, we’ll take care of their pilots and co-pilots. Good catch; thanks.
GL: What about the course itself? Will you be making any changes?
GN: We won’t be using caddies. Years ago at a North Carolina course called Talamore, they used llamas to carry the golfers’ bags. We’re gonna do the same thing … except we’re bringing in camels. And we’re gonna rename the bridges. Hogan, Nelson … our core YouTube fans never heard of those guys. My boss wants to name a bridge for Tiger but I’m against it. He dissed me at a Hobe Sound Dairy Queen in 1998 and as far as I’m concerned he can stick his 2 majors — or whatever he’s got — up his arse. And I’m personally going to re-design the 9th hole to make it less susceptible to guys spinning the ball off the green with their approach shots. I mean, it’s a fucking unfair green! Bobby Jones and Alister Mackenzie really screwed up on that hole.
GL: Any other plans for the Masters … I mean, the True Believers Open?
GN: Yeah, we’re gonna play some hardball with CBS at contract renewal time. Either they pay us $20 billion for the yearly broadcasting rights or we buy CBS … and get rid of Jim Nantz.
GL: No! You can’t replace Jim Nantz — he’s an institution!
GN: He’s popular, no question about it. But we’ve got a guy on our team who’s articulate, knows his golf history, and can turn a phrase with the best of them.
GL: Who’s that?
GN: Dustin Johnson.
GL: What about that famous Augusta National prohibition against running?
GN: Yes, that will be enforced with one slight modification…
