PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan, responding to criticism that the so-called “Signature” tournaments are not fair to the tour’s Top-100-Lowly-Status members, announced today a new effort to help these struggling pros:
“We’re committed to helping meh players financially as they battle to achieve Signature event status. That’s why we hired Logos Everywhere Association Partners (LEAP) to create an exciting new program called Logo Dough.
“Players who made less than $1 million in purse winnings last year will be automatically entered into the Logo Dough program. Here’s how it works: upon arrival at a PGA Tour sanctioned mediocre tournament, Logo Dough Ambassadors (LDA) will proceed directly to the Logo Dough tent located in the woods where the Superintendent stores the course’s hydraulic fuel.
“The LDA will then be outfitted with a sandwich sign displaying a golf-related equipment or apparel logo on the front side. The back of the sign will read: ‘Please help this chronic short-sider.
“Where the LDA walks around the course with his sign … whether he’s seen on TV … and if he doesn’t have the usual tour pro annoyed, frustrated, disgusted, annoyed, sullen, gloomy, dour, pissed-off look on his face (we want our LDAs to look happy to be communing with Nature while they promote a fine club, ball, or box of replacement Soft Spikes) that will determine the amount of remuneration he’ll receive from Logos Everywhere Association Partners. (The exact amount will be computed using a proprietary algorithm and funds will be direct deposited — minus any Tour administrative costs — into the LDA’s account within 2 years.)
“Please note that because an LDA’s hands are somewhat restricted by the sandwich sign, they are under no obligation to sign autographs for fans. Although, as a Top-100-Lowly-Status player, it’s likely no one – and I mean no one – will want their autograph.
“There are a few conditions to keep in mind: LDAs are not allowed in the locker room, in the tournament players’ dining area, or at the driving range. They are not permitted to hang around the putting green to ask equipment reps if their putters are milled in Taiwan. They are not eligible to receive a Courtesy Car … nor are they eligible to be driven by a volunteer to a Taco Bell or other fast-food outlet. They may not visit equipment manufacturer trailers to have their clubs re-gripped. They are not to request free Dove bars from bored teenage ice cream vendors. LDAs should never attempt to use a Port-a-Jon facility. Rather, they are instructed to tinkle on the inside front of their sign … and not try any fancy maneuvers such as hitting the inside back of the sign.
“We are proud to offer the Logo Dough program to our run-of-the-mill players. They, and our Corporate Hospitality Chalet installers, are the backbone of the PGA Tour.
“This is an exciting time to be a Logo Dough Ambassador. Who knows? The way things are going in professional golf these days, perhaps soon I’ll be an LDA, too.”
