“Tiger Woods has been in violation of a USGA Rule for his entire professional career.”
So claims a medical supplies distributor — REDACTED — in an affidavit obtained by Golf Lampoon’s Investigative Division.
Here is the rule in question:
Use of Tape, including Kinesiology Tape (Rule 4.3)
In general, tape or similar coverings (including kinesiology tape) may be used for medical reasons, provided it is not used in an excessive manner and the Committee is satisfied that its use does not give the player any undue advantage. However, if the adhesive tape or similar covering is used for other than medical reasons and in a manner that might assist a player in gripping the club or making a stroke it would be considered use of equipment in an unusual manner in breach of Rule 4.3.
Tiger has repeatedly said that the adhesive tape on the middle finger of his right hand is in place to prevent the callous there from splitting open. “That’s a lotta balata bullshit,” says REDACTED. “I’ve been shipping him adhesive tape for over 20 years. In 1999, Johnson & Johnson had a one-time promotion going where you could get an extra 2 yards of tape for free. Tiger loved that deal and was pissed off when J&J ended that promotion.
“Anyways, one day at Isleworth I was backing my van into his driveway with a 20-box delivery. When I got out of the cab I asked Tiger why he needed so much adhesive tape. Did he have some kind of medical issue, I wondered. Nope. Tiger said he used the tape on his middle finger for two reasons: 1.) To help him promote a push-block-baby fade when he applies the tape in a counter-clockwise fashion. And 2.) As a reminder NOT to flip the bird at the assorted jackasses, morons, and douche bags in his gallery.”
If REDACTED is to be believed, Tiger has been in violation of Rule 4.3, for his entire pro career for using adhesive tape for non-medical reasons. Of course, having signed his scorecard after the conclusion of each of the 110 tournaments he’s won, those results are “official” and cannot be reversed. Had the Committee at the time been aware of a possible rules violation, the Committee could have — in its judgement and using its sole discretion — reviewed the Johnson & Johnson Adhesive Tape/Tiger Woods imbroglio and made its findings private at one of its Executive Retreats at Pinehurst Resort. However, as it has never been entirely clear who the Committee is and where the Committee is located, a definitive ruling of this ruling cannot be addressed as it pertains to grandfathered rules that may or may not be invoked per the discretion of the Committee.
Golf Lampoon emailed the USGA’s Senior Director of Rules, Rules & More Rules, Inez Wiedes, inquiring about the mysteries surrounding the Committee. She informed us that the Committee is alive and well, consisting of three gentlemen who currently reside in the Carpathian Mountains of Romania. Ms. Wiedes told Golf Lampoon — exclusively — that had the Committee been aware of a possible rules violation when it may or may not have occurred, the Committee — in its discretion and under the auspices of the elders of the Greek Orthodox Church — would have investigated the matter in a timely fashion as befitting three men who are in their late nineties.
“Hey! Watch that lift-clean-and-place bullshit!”
With no Committee rulings forthcoming — both in the past, up through the present, and through the green — medical supplies distributor REDACTED felt he had no choice but to come forward publicly with his allegation that Tiger was not using adhesive tape for “medical reasons,” as set forth in the USGA’s Rule 4.3.
Said REDACTED: “I’ve lived my entire life with one guiding principle: protect the field. It has gnawed at me for over 20 years that Tiger has played fast and loose with the Rules of Golf. My inability to protect golf tournament fields has taken a toll on my digestive health, resulting in an addiction to Phillips’ Milk of Magnesia. Nevertheless, I had to speak up and tell the truth! Unfortunately, when Tiger learned that I was spilling the beans to Golf Lampoon, he gave his lucrative adhesive tape account to another distributor.
“But I can’t complain; I’ve got Tiger’s autograph and that’s something I can pass down to my grandkids.”
