Categories – Golf Lampoon

Why Rory McIlroy Skipped The Memorial

Rory McIlroy chose not to play in this week’s Memorial golf tournament for a shocking reason. Some have speculated that the Signature event’s $20 million purse — with $4 million going to the winner — wasn’t enough to make it worth McIlroy’s time and effort. Jimmy Wrightauf, host of the “Deductible Doings” podcast, believes McIlroy needs another 4 mil like Phil Mickelson needs a buffet comp at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. “When you ...

During the week of May 26, 2025, Angel Cabrera won two senior majors in the span of just 6 days: the Regions Tradition on Monday and the Senior PGA Championship on Sunday. As there are five PGA Tour Champions majors, Cabrera is now just 2 1/2 tournaments away from completing the PGA Tour Champions Slam, an amazing feat when you consider that Cabrera had spent 30 months in three different slammers. Sports psychologists have taken ...

[NOTE: The above video is on a loop and will play continuously until you stop it.] The 1997 Masters is famous for Tiger Woods winning the tournament by an incredible 12 shots with a winning score of 270 … 18 strokes under par. Tiger was cruising to his historic win when he hooked his tee shot on the 18th hole, sending the fans-I-mean-patrons running … running after his errant shot. One of Augusta National Golf ...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE President Trump announced today that in addition to acquiring Greenland, he will be making a deal with the United Kingdom to acquire the country of Scotland. Said the President: “When the UK Prime Minister was here a few weeks ago, I told him I wanted to make Scotland the 51st U.S. state by June 1st. I said the Scottish people were tired of living in a losing kingdom ruled by snotty guys ...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The Masters Golf Tournament may be canceled, pending review by the Department of Golf’s (DOG) Go-Back-To-Where-You-Came-From division. Sources have told DOG that illegal immigrants have been hired to service the portable toilets used on the grounds of Augusta National Golf Club during the week of its Masters Golf Tournament. Deputy Secretary for DOG Public Affairs Henry Himmler states the following: “We will conduct an investigation of this serious matter. If it turns ...

BREAKING: Golf Lampoon gives you the inside story behind tour pros who “point and putt.” We’ve been led to believe that some sort of green-reading system was being employed by these players. “Nothing could be further from the truth,” says retired gastroenterologist Dr. Perry Stahlsis. Here is an excerpt from our exclusive interview with Dr. Stahlsis: “I’m a member at several clubs in the U.S., the U.K., and Tasmania so trust me, I know golf ...

Outgoing LIV Golf Commissioner Greg Norman had some unfortunate news for LIV Golf members that’s sure to ruin their holiday season: many of them will have their heads removed by the end of the year. “As a business, we just couldn’t sustain losing hundreds of millions of dollars a year,” said Norman. “We’re not running a charity. In the last few weeks, it became clear that we had to cut — and I do mean ...

“Tiger Woods has been in violation of a USGA Rule for his entire professional career.” So claims a medical supplies distributor — REDACTED — in an affidavit obtained by Golf Lampoon’s Investigative Division. Here is the rule in question: Use of Tape, including Kinesiology Tape (Rule 4.3) In general, tape or similar coverings (including kinesiology tape) may be used for medical reasons, provided it is not used in an excessive manner and the Committee is ...

Patrons who attend the Masters Tournament stock up on merchandise including polo shirts, hats, umbrellas, shorts, skirts, slacks, socks, and more. But female patrons — as well as male patron cross-dressers — have always been disappointed that Masters-logoed panties were not available for purchase. Change is coming. Augusta National Golf Club never publicly comments on lingerie issues but our sources tell Golf Lampoon that two of the club’s female members exerted pressure on the Head ...

The unthinkable has occurred: Masters Tournament champion Tiger Woods has been banned from the event he’s won five times. The powers-that-be at Augusta National Golf Club were shocked when the photo shown here appeared on Tiger’s Instagram feed. It reveals Tiger to be in Augusta’s clubhouse, being measured by the club’s tailor, Parath Navagthuyen. Golf Lampoon has learned that Navagthuyen was questioned about the photo and told club officials that Tiger had demanded that he ...

Ping, Callaway, TaylorMade, Titleist, XXIO, etc. have been fiddling with club head weight distribution for decades. The theory goes, the more weight you can shift to the perimeter of the face, the easier it will be for high handicappers to get the ball airborne. But after 50+ years of R&D, club designers are stumped. They all agree that perimeter weighting has reached a point of diminishing returns. Until now. A research breakthrough has occurred at ...

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT: When you pull out the Big Stick, will your M.O.I. be ready? Concerned that your driver’s Moment of Inertia (M.O.I.) isn’t up to snuff? Does performance anxiety prevent you from playing your best golf? Are you persona non grata in Mixed Couple events? Do your smash factor, apex, roll-and-carry stats not “cut the mustard”? Help is finally here with the all-new MOIagra driver! This revolutionary golf club — developed ...

LIV Golf Commissioner Greg Norman introduced Danielle Dunes as the Dhuby Dhu Classic’s official camel wrangler at Tuesday’s Media Day. The camels will be used to carry the players’ bags, thus eliminating the need for caddies. One almost-major winner remarked, “Bring on the camels! The day I give a caddie 10% of a million bucks is the day I start buying my own golf balls.” One Top-50 Lifetime Medical Exemption player stood up and asked: ...

Golf and media personality Paige Spiranac has lashed out at the culture in golf, calling the sport “elitist, stuffy, and exclusive” — reasons why she feels she has never been welcomed into the game. This caught the attention of the The Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers at Muirfield Golf Club and its Secretary, Colonel Rupert Teasdale. “Damn shame the way that girl’s been treated by golf in the States,” said Teasdale. “Our members were outraged ...

The WM Phoenix Open saw the golf fans at the iconic 16th hole expel more vomit and urine than anytime in the tournament’s illustrious history. Waste Management’s CEO, James Dreck, addressed this in the following press release: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The WM Phoenix Open saw record crowds enjoying world-class golf yesterday at TPC Scottsdale. Waste Management is proud to be the title sponsor of this historic golf tournament … and we are especially pleased to ...

Go out and playeth golf,Oh, shepherd with thy crook,“Hit thy baby fade,” I cry,“Be gone, ye wretched hook!” Sell thy land and all you ownThen go to Pebble Beach.And know the 5 pars are the holes,Mere mortals cannot reach. And then traverse to Pinehurst,And playeth No. 2.Know well that those inverted greens,Will make a fool of you. With haste return to Bandon Dunes,Procure thyself a visor.Thy silver coins are most desired,By owner Michael Keiser. Then ...

Ex-Navy SEAL Captain James Pearson is the owner of a golf expedition company called Sneak On With A SEAL. For $2500, Pearson will transport you and 3 other golfers in a raft from Pacific Grove, California … and land you near the 16th tee at Cypress Point Club. “Most golfers will never have the opportunity to play Cypress Point,” says Pearson. “SOWAS puts you right in the action at one of the most iconic holes ...

Jason Gore has left the USGA — where he was Managing Director of Player Relations — and signed on with the PGA Tour as a Senior VP and Player Advocate. Gore said that “I enjoyed comforting unhappy touring pros when I was at the USGA. Guys who didn’t like how we set up the U.S. Open venues needed shoulders to cry on and I was proud to assume that role. But at the end of ...

Responding to criticism that women are subjugated citizens of Saudi Arabia, LIV Golf spokesperson Nasser el-Flack said that “LIV Golf is excited and proud to have women as part of our team. All of our Rules Officials are extremely competent women who can be seen — well, not really seen — patrolling the grounds at all LIV Golf tournaments. They won’t hesitate to warn dawdling players to get back in position with this 5-step process”:

Last week, a LIV Golf tournament was contested in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. 2,600 U.S. citizens were recruited by LIV Golf to serve as volunteers at the tournament. One of those volunteers, who shall remain nameless because he was eating a Virginia ham sandwich in Saudi airspace and fears having his tongue cut off, sent Golf Lampoon the following excerpt from a journal he kept: “LIV Golf Volunteer Confidential.” I been a volunteer at a PGA ...

PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan, responding to criticism that the so-called “Signature” tournaments are not fair to the tour’s Top-100-Lowly-Status members, announced today a new effort to help these struggling pros: “We’re committed to helping meh players financially as they battle to achieve Signature event status. That’s why we hired Logos Everywhere Association Partners (LEAP) to create an exciting new program called Logo Dough. “Players who made less than $1 million in purse winnings last ...

Amazon announced today that it has purchased the PGA of America — the organization that represents over 23,000 golf professionals — for an undisclosed sum. Amazon’s Sr. VP of Global Acquisitions, Bea Heamith, said “we are always looking for ways to add value to an Amazon Prime Membership. We are excited to leverage the expertise of PGA members into a strategic platform that provides a unique and robust golf experience for our Prime customers.” Amazon ...

Club championships are being conducted during these summer months and the winners will receive the usual recognition: a trophy or plaque … a mention in the club newsletter … an awards ceremony, etc. Jim Onrye, GM/COO/PGA/CMAA/WTF, and newly-installed member of the Housatonic Valley Regional High School Intramural Sports Hall of Fame, is recommending a unique alternative. “Here at The Assessment Golf Club, we’ve pushed the envelope in terms of recognizing our champions,” says Onrye. “If ...

Tiger Woods “moves the needle.” When Tiger plays in a golf tournament, several things occur: All of the above spells M-O-N-E-Y. When Tiger plays, the golf world cashes in. But now that Tiger plays so infrequently, that cash cow ain’t giving milk. This has led to the creation of an exploratory committee called Tiger At Any Cost or TAAC. Over the last year, TAAC has been working with some of Silicon Valley’s most talented Artificial ...

You’ve seen it on televised golf tournaments dozens of times: a player’s drive disappears into the rough and a marshal comes over and marks the landing area with a small, brightly-colored nylon flag. Dave Bermudadeap was one such marshal at a PGA Tour event when he had his “Eureka!” moment and created his company, FlagAds. Dave explains: “It occurred to me that if I sold advertising space on those little flags, the ad message could ...

Years ago, it was difficult not to see a golf touring pro wearing an ion wrist bracelet. Manufacturers were confident that the bracelets produced negative ions which could, in some cases, reduce the positive ions that might present themselves during a crescent moon and afflict golfers of a particular genetic makeup with possible assorted physical ailments including arthritis, tendinitis, back pain, and fill-in-the-blank-here-itis. These days, one is hard-pressed to see ion wrist bracelets on tour. ...

LIV Golf will be hosting a team event — the Autocrats Cup — next week to honor the bold leaders who’ve led their countries to glory. The 3-day tournament will be held in Siberia Friday through Sunday at the venerable Gulag Golf and Country Club. LIV Golf Tour members will compete against various worldwide detained citizens with the intention of teaching them a lesson or two. Fans are invited to attend Thursday’s “Burn Your U.S. ...

For decades, PGA Tour events have provided players with courtesy vehicles from a local car dealership… usually upscale brands such as Cadillac, Lexus, and Mercedes-Benz. Last weekend’s LIV Golf tournament in Bolton, Massachusetts broke with that tradition by putting courtesy camels at the players’ disposal. A chartered 747 — accompanied by a B-2 Stealth Bomber and an A-10 Warthog — flew the players who didn’t have their own private jets to Boston’s Logan airport. A ...

Five LPGA players have joined the LIV Ladies Golf Tour. Shown here with their new Tour cards, the ladies will compete in full burqas … which is just fine with the players:

Golf Lampoon’s Senior Anti-Cliché Editor and Managing Executive Curmudgeon, Monty Gerund, has compiled the following chart to help our readers identify some of the game’s most iconic golf verbiage, regularly expressed in print and on television. GOLF TALK: MONTY GERUND SAYS: He’ll have a good look at birdie. This Broadcasting Hall of Fame observation cannot be repeated too often. Gotta go; gotta hurry; gotta sit; that needs to sit; that needs to hurry; that needs to ...

Golf Lampoon has learned that some golf instructors charge $10,000, $15,000, even 20,000 BIG ONES a day. These hefty sums prompted us to email a $15,000/day teaching pro with the following questions: Golf Lampoon: I’m curious: what does a student get for 15 grand a day? 15 Big Ones: Not only will I hold his head while he swings … I’ll also touch him anywhere he’d like. For reasons I don’t understand, my lawyer says ...

The first LIV Golf tournament was completed yesterday at the Centurion Golf Club outside of London and one of the players was angry… VERY angry. Golf Lampoon caught up with the contestant who declined to be identified for fear of being invited to the wedding of a Bedouin sheikh’s eldest daughter. Here is a transcript of the interview conducted with Player X: Golf Lampoon: So how did your first tournament go? Player X: I can’t ...

Golf Course Owners & Managers: You’re leaving cash on the table! THE LOOP SNOOP® Glove System allows you to discreetly track your customers’ every movement at your golf course. A micro-video camera built into the glove’s ball marker button captures the vital demographic information coveted by advertisers. HOW IT WORKS: Your pro shop will receive a supply of free LOOP SNOOP® gloves. Give a glove to each golfer at check-in. While he’s beaming over receiving ...

A new golf magazine will be launched in September: Desperadoes Digest. Publisher T.I. Bergmann explains that DD will “target a demographic that advertisers find particularly attractive: lousy players who are trying to buy a golf game with expensive clubs, unproven technology, and assorted thing-a-ma-jigs.” The monthly publication will feature the work of many unemployed golf writers who have been talked down from America’s tallest clubhouse roofs. Bergmann provided Golf Lampoon with a sneak preview at ...

Bowing to pressure from the activist group Change Offensive Names In Golf (CONIG), Pinehurst Resort announced that it is changing the name of its iconic statue, Putter Boy, to Putter Person. In a related development, Putter Boy has also come under criticism from the $hort Game $uper Guru$ of America ($G$GA) for promoting a poor setup. “The boy … I mean, kid … I mean, person’s eyes should be directly over the ball, not over ...

According to Golf Gurus of America, many of its members are now specializing in helping students differentiate between a 7-iron and a lob wedge. GGOA President Tom “Double-Wrap” McCauley says that “players who’ve had a few beers often mistake the 7 for the L. We see this frequently during ‘Cart Paths Only’ days; the player grabs the wrong club and lurches to his ball. If he realizes his error, he either returns to the cart ...

Golf Lampoon has learned that LIV Golf is “sportswashing” not to detract from Saudi Arabia’s human rights abuses … but to establish a monopoly network of gas stations in the U.S. A “Petroleum Manifesto” was discovered recently in the toilet of Greg Norman’s private jet by a maintenance crew at REDACTED airport. The 20-page document had not been torn into pieces and was fully legible. The Manifesto, in chilling detail, revealed that LIV Golf plans ...

On Tuesday of THE PLAYERS championship week, PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan introduced a new, fan-friendly concept: Jackass Island. Located in the water between the mainland and the green at the Stadium Course’s 17th hole, Jackass Island will be reserved for inebriated gallery members who enjoy watching world-class golf … as well as screaming, vomiting, and urinating. “We’re excited to offer this opportunity to be part of the action at the most iconic hole in ...

For over 65 years, Ben Hogan’s “Secret” has been a cottage industry for writers, publishers, teaching pros, training aid inventors, equipment manufacturers, and anyone else looking to exploit Mr. Hogan’s reputation as golf’s greatest ball striker. Franklin Fetlock, Historian Emeritus for the Farriers Association of America, claims to have discovered Hogan’s true “Secret.” The following is an excerpt from a column Fetlock wrote for the February issue of Horseshoe Weekly: “Most people know that Hogan’s ...

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT: NO MORE LOVE? SAVE GLOVE! Hey, rich country club womens! Husband go out for pack of cigarettes and no come home? Or YOU make ding-dong with golf pro in country club cart barn? Whoa!!! Here come lawyers and divorce! What you do with all your golf gloves with hole to show off big-time diamond ring? After divorce, no waste money throwing out hole golf gloves. Send to me and ...

As everyone knows, the “LIV” in “LIV Golf” represents, in Roman numerals, “54.” Which refers to the number of no-cut, shotgun-start holes played in a LIV Golf happy-fun-time-get-together-jamboree. Most folks don’t know that by removing the “LI” in “LIV Golf,” you’re left with the Roman numeral “V,” that is, the number “5.” And “5” stands for the 5 golfers who make up LIV Golf’s “V Outreach Squad”: Brooks Koepka, Pat Perez, Sergio Garcia, Patrick Reed, ...

A new tournament has been added to the LIV Golf schedule: “The Bonesaw Classic presented by Scary Motherfuckers.” LIV Golf superstar Phil Mickelson says that the event will be held sometime next summer in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia when the temperature goes above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. The inaugural playing of “The Bonesaw Classic presented by Scary Motherfuckers” will benefit the Righteous Home for Retired Head Loppers. “It’s a great charity,” says Mickelson, “and we’re excited to ...

LIV Golf Senior VP of Hostile Acquisitions, Sheik el-Shakeitup, announced today that the Saudi-based organization has reached an agreement to purchase Augusta National Golf Club for 10,000 trillion U.S. Dollars. “We are excited to add Augusta National to our worldwide portfolio of premier properties,” said Shakeitup. “Going forward, with Greg Norman installed as Augusta National’s Chairman, we will be making additions and improvements that will increase this historic property’s value and elevate its status as ...

Ellen Simpson’s new book, “Tiger’s Twirl Girl,” reveals her extraordinary relationship with a young Tiger Woods. Ms. Simpson was the Redondo Beach, California 1972 Majorette of the Year. After graduating from the Lon Chaney School of Cosmetology in 1974, she was unable to find employment as a makeup artist in the film industry. “I was a great baton twirler and people were always asking me to show them how to twirl. So I thought, ‘Hmm, ...

Golf Everest Expeditions is now taking reservations for next year’s climbing season. “We are stoked to bring golfers to Mt. Everest in 2022,” says GEE President Chip Serac. “This is a great opportunity for serious golfers to bang balls from the Everest summit into Tibet and dude, I’m talking looooong! Because of the super-thin air, you can leave your driver in Kathmandu. Last year we had a client who hit a stock lob wedge from ...

Patrick Reed will be required to attend a 3-day seminar given by the PGA Tour’s Charm Squad. Senior VP for Interpersonal Relations, Maryanne Fenster, announced that Charm Squad directors Jason Dufner, Colin Montgomerie, Vijay Singh, and Sergio Garcia will provide Reed with the “hands-on guidance he needs to negotiate today’s media and spectator landscape.” “We’re excited that Jason, Colin, Vijay, and Sergio have stepped up to the plate and volunteered to help Patrick,” said Fenster. ...

Sponsors who pay touring professionals $200,000 to more than $1,000,000 a year are annoyed and angry. Ted Wolfe, Executive Director for the trade group Show My Logo, tells Golf Lampoon that “our members are angry that pro golfers are hiding hat logos beneath their sunglasses. We don’t think it’s intentional … but we do believe that a little re-education is in order.” To that end, Show My Logo is requiring all pro golfers with hat ...

Gentlemen: impress your golf buddies — and the ladies — by wearing a shirt adorned with a famous, ultra-private club logo! Rotating Logowear, Inc. will send you a kit that includes the logo patches from the world’s Top-50 private golf clubs. You’ll also receive 100 two-inch adhesive Velcro strips. Affix one to your shirt, the other to the back of the logo patch. Attach the logo to the shirt and prepare — for once in ...

LPGA Commissioner Michael Whan was named this past week to replace Mike Davis as the USGA’s CEO. Whan has hit the ground running as evidenced in the press release below. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Michael Whan, in one of his first acts as the newly-installed CEO of the USGA, is committed to addressing one of the issues that has plagued past U.S. Open championships: whining. “We’ve all witnessed male touring pros whining and pouting on the ...

In the beginning, in 1926, there was the Los Angeles Open. The tournament director looked upon the field and said it was “good.” But soon the freeway expansion plague came upon southern California and the tournament led a nomadic life. Its players wandered for 95 years from El Caballero Country Club to Griffith Park to Los Angeles CC to Hillcrest CC to Wilshire CC to Fox Hills CC to Inglewood CC to Brookside Golf Course ...

During yesterday’s telecast of the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am, Golf Channel, before cutting to a commercial, briefly showed two otters in Carmel Bay engaged in “adult” relations. The reaction to these creatures performing the “Maritime Mambo” was swift. Social media lit up with complaints from viewers who were offended by the overtly sexual images. Golf Channel announcer and ex-PGA Tour player Tags Yarit added fuel to the fire with his remark that “the otter bitch ...

Phil Mickelson has denounced the USGA’s CEO Mike Whan’s slow-play initiative as “yet another dick move.” Last week Whan announced how the USGA will deal with pokey players at next month’s US Open at the Los Angeles Country Club: “Rolex, our corporate partner, will have its iconic 20-foot-high clock positioned near the first tee box at LACC. When one of our walking officials determines that a player is 15 minutes behind the group in front ...

This week’s Waste Management Open will have limited spectators because of the COVID-19 pandemic. And the infamous 16th hole at TPC Scottsdale will see only 2,000 fans instead of a raucous 16,000. This will have a huge negative impact on the amount of money the WMO can raise for the charities supported by the local Thunderbirds. Tournament Director Chuck Uptz has met this challenge with a novel fundraising plan: “We’re asking all 2,000 fans who ...

The 1987 Shearson Lehman Brothers Andy Williams Open … which became the Shearson Lehman Hutton Andy Williams Open … which became the Shearson Lehman Hutton Open … which became the Shearson Lehman Brothers Open … which became the Buick Invitational of California … which became the Buick Invitational … which became the Farmers Insurance Open … which is scheduled to become the Multiple Personalities Disorder Open … is famous for Craig Stadler’s disqualification for “building ...

“Golf shaming” has reached epic numbers at MNY Golf Academy in Yeehaw Junction, Florida. Parents from around the world send their children to MNYGA — where the tuition exceeds $90,000 per year — to give them expert golf instruction with the hope that it will lead to a college golf scholarship … or even a career as a touring professional. “It’s a very competitive environment here; our students are learning that to achieve success — ...

Lowest Common Denominator Publishing, LLC, announced today the launching of a new golf magazine, Confused Golfer Digest. Publisher James Lawson, III made the following statement at a press conference held at Pine Foot Golf Club in Mamaroneck, New York: “I’m excited to see so many of my friends from the press with whom I’ve shared so many golf outings. Hey, Eddie: I haven’t forgotten that $50 you owe me from that trip to Ballybunion! “Today ...

Last Sunday’s final round of the Honda Classic saw Tommy Fleetwood hit his approach shot into the water on the par-5 18th hole. Was the errant shot caused by a fan yelling “Get in the hole!” during Fleetwood’s backswing? Gay Ming, VP of the PGA Tour’s gaming division, says emphatically, “Yes!” “This was part of a test we were running to demonstrate how much fun it is for the wagering golf fan to affect the ...

Brooks Koepka’s naked photos in ESPN’s Body Issue have created a groundswell of interest in nude golf. Sean Dermis, USGA Managing Director of Skins Competitions, is pleased with the trend: “We’re excited to see the growing interest in nude golf. It’s a great way to bring the family together as well as to lose your tan line. In addition, we think that Millennials will be drawn to golf as a fun way to display their ...

As a wee lad, Rory McIlroy delighted audiences with his ability to chip golf balls into a washing machine. And at the 2019 Open Championship, Rory wore a Nike golf shirt adorned with a washing machine logo as shown here: Note that in both instances, the washing machines are FRONT loaders. This has the manufacturers of TOP loading machines extremely agitated. “It’s a slap in the face to the men and women of our industry,” ...

The Northern Trust, first leg of the FedEx playoffs, was completed yesterday at Liberty National Golf Club in Jersey City. By all accounts, it was a great success. But the title sponsor’s CEO, Bill Fenemann, sees room for a major improvement. “We’re excited to host the tournament at Liberty National, as are our clients, employees, and Brink’s truckdrivers,” said Fenemann. “And we’re going to build on that excitement with a bold plan to make the ...

Yesterday’s second round of The Northern Trust saw Rory McIlroy receive a two-shot penalty for touching what he thought was a loose impediment in a bunker. The penalty was later rescinded and McIlroy’s reputation for impeccable honesty was restored. That is, until this morning. A disturbing photo emerged on Twitter of McIlroy and his caddie at Coney Island earlier in the week. When viewed under an electron microscope, McIlroy can be seen testing the beach ...

Brooks Koepka, by virtue of his win last week at the WGC FedEx St. Jude Invitational in Memphis, won the “Wyndham Rewards Top 10” First Prize of $2 million. Koepka is not competing in the Wyndham Championship which began today in Greensboro, NC. Nor are any other “Wyndham Rewards Top 10” eligible players, with the exception of Paul Casey. To put it plainly, 9 out of 10 eligible players are willing to take Wyndham’s bonus ...

The 2018 Open Championship saw Kevin Kisner, Zach Johnson, Justin Thomas, Jason Dufner, Jordan Spieth, Jimmy Walker, and Rickie Fowler sharing a house together near Carnoustie, Scotland. Critics carped that in “the old days,” hardened competitors would have never been roommates during a major championship. Disproving this notion is a handwritten note recently discovered in an Aiken, South Carolina attic. It was written by Ben Hogan and addressed to “Sam” (Snead) and “Byron” (Nelson). The ...

Rolex CEO Konrad Bezel announced today that Rolex will award an Oyster Perpetual GMT Master II Men’s Watch (suggested retail price: $17,990) to the player who completes his U.S. Open round at Pebble Beach in 4 hours or less. Said Bezel: “We’re thrilled and excited to provide one of our classic timepieces to the fastest golfer in the field. Similar to the U.S. Open, Rolex has always stood for precision and quality. We are also ...

Hank Haney’s recent controversial remarks about Korean golfers on the LPGA Tour caught the attention of the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un. His father, the late Kim Jong-Il, once carded a 38-under-par score of 34 at Pyongyang Golf Course. That historic round also included five holes-in-one. Haney’s suspension from Sirius XM radio prompted Kim Jong Un to contact Haney about giving him private lessons. The North Korean leader, sources say, is keen ...

PGA Tour representatives will be at Bethpage State Park (Black Course) for the 2019 PGA Championship. “We’ll approach fans who yell ‘Get in the hole!’ — we call them GITHers — and offer them a free introductory $20 bet when they sign up with PGA TournaBet,” said Gay Ming, VP of the Tour’s gaming division. “We believe that drunk and rowdy fans will have even more fun at PGA Tour events when they have a ...

Here are three problems facing the golf industry: 1.) Not attracting new customers2.) High-tech equipment is rendering “short” golf courses obsolete3.) Building and maintaining new golf courses is expensive These problems can be eliminated once and forever with Canine Design: Divide golf courses in half: 50% for dogs, 50% for golf. Bisect the fairway with a red line. One side is reserved for golfers; the other side is reserved for dogs to romp, hump, pee, ...

Congratulations to Michelle Wie and Jonnie West! They’re expecting a baby girl this summer and Nike, Wie’s longtime sponsor, has stepped up to “brand the ka-ka out of this kid.” Thus declared Larry Muscatel, Nike’s VP of Embryonic Affairs. “First of all,” said Muscatel, “Nike is under no contractual obligation to provide the baby with any complimentary clothing or accessories. But we sent Michelle and Jonnie a Nike onesie anyway. (No matter that it was ...

In a cost-cutting measure, Augusta National Golf Club will be reducing its Pinkerton guard corps by REDACTED at this year’s Masters Tournament. Golf Lampoon has learned that drones — equipped with state-of-the-art cameras and patron-seeking missiles — will be patrolling the skies in search of gallery members who: ANGC Director of Security REDACTED says that “the club will save $REDACTED by not employing REDACTED Pinkertons during Masters week. In addition, the drones give us the ...

Good news for the touring professionals contesting 2025’s race for the FedEx Cup: the winner’s share is being increased from $25 million to $175 million. FedEx Senior VP for Marketing, Dee Lever, explained that the TV ratings for Scottie Scheffler’s 2024 victory were a bit disappointing. “We were hoping for a much larger share of the viewing audience as we weren’t up against the regular season NFL programming. I guess paying out $25 million to ...

Golf Channel’s Blair O’Neal competed in the celebrity division of last week’s Diamond Resorts Tournament of Champions. She finished a respectable 6th in a field of 47 male golfers … while in her 6th month of pregnancy. Several ex-professional athletes in the field grumbled that O’Neal was anchoring her putter in her “baby bump.” That would be a violation of USGA Rule 14-1b. One NFL Hall of Famer declared, “She made everything she looked at ...

“I look forward to getting into the field to engage with our members, learn more about the issues that matter most to them, and look for ways to enhance their careers and lives.” Thus spoke Seth Waugh — the former Deutsche Bank Americas CEO — in August, 2018 when he assumed the CEO position of the PGA of America. Yesterday, at the PGA Merchandise Show in Orlando, the press release below detailed a new program ...

Miguel Angel Jimenez won thee Meethubishi Electric Championship and thee television broadcathters are een a teezy: How een thee hell do you pronounth theeth guyth name? Eeth eet Hee-men-EZ … or Hee-men-ETH? Golf Lampoon athed veteran broadcathter Lanny Wadkeenth — for heeth take on theeth eeshoe. Hereth what Lanny thed: “He’ll have a good look at birdie from there, Billy Ray.” PGA Tour Championth Viyth Pretheedent of Media Relationth, Thamantha Pretheela Johnthon, thaid, “Thee preferred ...

The great American song lyric — mastered by giants such as Lorenz Hart, Oscar Hammerstein, Irving Berlin, and Cole Porter — is alive and well. Rapper NoSenz (pictured here) puts his artistic touch on this year’s No.1 golf rap song: 2019 Be Bitched Up! Breathtaking in its raw simplicity, NoSenz shatters all of the myths that have plagued professional golf since the demise of the 90-compression balata golf ball.NOTE: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE ...

The International Mega-Yacht Association is steaming mad. Its Executive Director, Evan Keel, had this reaction to the conclusion of yesterday’s Hero Challenge golf tournament in Albany, The Bahamas: “Frankly, we were shocked at the size of the yachts displayed during the television broadcast. We had an agreement with the Albany marina to moor only vessels that were at least 500 feet long. Instead, the viewing audience had to endure the sight of “starter boats” that ...

Patrick Reed created a “sand storm” last week with his Hero World Challenge waste area antics. He’s provided ample “bulletin board” material for the International Team at the 2019 Presidents Cup. And the partisan Australian fans surely will hound Reed throughout the four days of the tournament. Captain Tiger Woods announced he will be Reed’s partner to deflect some of the pressure that’s sure to follow Reed at Royal Melbourne. In addition, Woods initiated his ...

Legendary/iconic/venerable golf instructor Butch Harmon agreed to appear in a Golf Digest article in which the latestteaching guru, George Gankas, gave him some “tips.” Harmon was a good sport about the whole thing until Gankas started putting his hands on Harmon during the photoshoot. “Fucking guy was too close for comfort,” said Harmon, “and it pissed me off. Jack Grout can grab Jack Nicklaus’s hair… Stewart Maiden can place his hands on Bobby Jones … ...

It is believed that Augusta National Golf Club purchased the Publix-anchored property at 2816 Washington Rd. in Augusta, GA. Sources tell Golf Lampoon that beginning January 2, 2019, the Club will close this Publix location permanently and remove all signage from the building’s exterior. Canned food items and other non-perishables will be donated to local charities. Assorted deli luncheon meats will be frozen and transported to a food processing plant in Sri Lanka. In late ...

A Message from the Publisher

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