Augusta National – Golf Lampoon

1997 Masters Runners Apprehended

[NOTE: The above video is on a loop and will play continuously until you stop it.] The 1997 Masters is famous for Tiger Woods winning the tournament by an incredible 12 shots with a winning score of 270 … 18 strokes under par. Tiger was cruising to his historic win when he hooked his tee shot on the 18th hole, sending the fans-I-mean-patrons running … running after his errant shot. One of Augusta National Golf ...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The Masters Golf Tournament may be canceled, pending review by the Department of Golf’s (DOG) Go-Back-To-Where-You-Came-From division. Sources have told DOG that illegal immigrants have been hired to service the portable toilets used on the grounds of Augusta National Golf Club during the week of its Masters Golf Tournament. Deputy Secretary for DOG Public Affairs Henry Himmler states the following: “We will conduct an investigation of this serious matter. If it turns ...

Patrons who attend the Masters Tournament stock up on merchandise including polo shirts, hats, umbrellas, shorts, skirts, slacks, socks, and more. But female patrons — as well as male patron cross-dressers — have always been disappointed that Masters-logoed panties were not available for purchase. Change is coming. Augusta National Golf Club never publicly comments on lingerie issues but our sources tell Golf Lampoon that two of the club’s female members exerted pressure on the Head ...

The unthinkable has occurred: Masters Tournament champion Tiger Woods has been banned from the event he’s won five times. The powers-that-be at Augusta National Golf Club were shocked when the photo shown here appeared on Tiger’s Instagram feed. It reveals Tiger to be in Augusta’s clubhouse, being measured by the club’s tailor, Parath Navagthuyen. Golf Lampoon has learned that Navagthuyen was questioned about the photo and told club officials that Tiger had demanded that he ...

You’ve seen it on televised golf tournaments dozens of times: a player’s drive disappears into the rough and a marshal comes over and marks the landing area with a small, brightly-colored nylon flag. Dave Bermudadeap was one such marshal at a PGA Tour event when he had his “Eureka!” moment and created his company, FlagAds. Dave explains: “It occurred to me that if I sold advertising space on those little flags, the ad message could ...

LIV Golf Senior VP of Hostile Acquisitions, Sheik el-Shakeitup, announced today that the Saudi-based organization has reached an agreement to purchase Augusta National Golf Club for 10,000 trillion U.S. Dollars. “We are excited to add Augusta National to our worldwide portfolio of premier properties,” said Shakeitup. “Going forward, with Greg Norman installed as Augusta National’s Chairman, we will be making additions and improvements that will increase this historic property’s value and elevate its status as ...

Patrick Reed will be required to attend a 3-day seminar given by the PGA Tour’s Charm Squad. Senior VP for Interpersonal Relations, Maryanne Fenster, announced that Charm Squad directors Jason Dufner, Colin Montgomerie, Vijay Singh, and Sergio Garcia will provide Reed with the “hands-on guidance he needs to negotiate today’s media and spectator landscape.” “We’re excited that Jason, Colin, Vijay, and Sergio have stepped up to the plate and volunteered to help Patrick,” said Fenster. ...

The 2018 Open Championship saw Kevin Kisner, Zach Johnson, Justin Thomas, Jason Dufner, Jordan Spieth, Jimmy Walker, and Rickie Fowler sharing a house together near Carnoustie, Scotland. Critics carped that in “the old days,” hardened competitors would have never been roommates during a major championship. Disproving this notion is a handwritten note recently discovered in an Aiken, South Carolina attic. It was written by Ben Hogan and addressed to “Sam” (Snead) and “Byron” (Nelson). The ...

In a cost-cutting measure, Augusta National Golf Club will be reducing its Pinkerton guard corps by REDACTED% at this year’s Masters Tournament. Golf Lampoon has learned that drones — equipped with state-of-the-art cameras and patron-seeking missiles — will be patrolling the skies in search of gallery members who: ANGC Director of Security REDACTED says that “the club will save $ REDACTED by not employing REDACTED Pinkertons during Masters week. In addition, the drones give us ...

It is believed that Augusta National Golf Club purchased the Publix-anchored property at 2816 Washington Rd. in Augusta, GA. Sources tell Golf Lampoon that beginning January 2, 2019, the Club will close this Publix location permanently and remove all signage from the building’s exterior. Canned food items and other non-perishables will be donated to local charities. Assorted deli luncheon meats will be frozen and transported to a food processing plant in Sri Lanka. In late ...