Golf Professionals – Golf Lampoon

Point And Putt

BREAKING: Golf Lampoon gives you the inside story behind tour pros who “point and putt.” We’ve been led to believe that some sort of green-reading system was being employed by these players. “Nothing could be further from the truth,” says retired gastroenterologist Dr. Perry Stahlsis. Here is an excerpt from our exclusive interview with Dr. Stahlsis: “I’m a member at several clubs in the U.S., the U.K., and Tasmania so trust me, I know golf ...

Five LPGA players have joined the LIV Ladies Golf Tour. Shown here with their new Tour cards, the ladies will compete in full burqas … which is just fine with the players:

For over 65 years, Ben Hogan’s “Secret” has been a cottage industry for writers, publishers, teaching pros, training aid inventors, equipment manufacturers, and anyone else looking to exploit Mr. Hogan’s reputation as golf’s greatest ball striker. Franklin Fetlock, Historian Emeritus for the Farriers Association of America, claims to have discovered Hogan’s true “Secret.” The following is an excerpt from a column Fetlock wrote for the February issue of Horseshoe Weekly: “Most people know that Hogan’s ...

As everyone knows, the “LIV” in “LIV Golf” represents, in Roman numerals, “54.” Which refers to the number of no-cut, shotgun-start holes played in a LIV Golf happy-fun-time-get-together-jamboree. Most folks don’t know that by removing the “LI” in “LIV Golf,” you’re left with the Roman numeral “V,” that is, the number “5.” And “5” stands for the 5 golfers who make up LIV Golf’s “V Outreach Squad”: Brooks Koepka, Pat Perez, Sergio Garcia, Patrick Reed, ...

A new tournament has been added to the LIV Golf schedule: “The Bonesaw Classic presented by Scary Motherfuckers.” LIV Golf superstar Phil Mickelson says that the event will be held sometime next summer in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia when the temperature goes above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. The inaugural playing of “The Bonesaw Classic presented by Scary Motherfuckers” will benefit the Righteous Home for Retired Head Loppers. “It’s a great charity,” says Mickelson, “and we’re excited to ...

Patrick Reed will be required to attend a 3-day seminar given by the PGA Tour’s Charm Squad. Senior VP for Interpersonal Relations, Maryanne Fenster, announced that Charm Squad directors Jason Dufner, Colin Montgomerie, Vijay Singh, and Sergio Garcia will provide Reed with the “hands-on guidance he needs to negotiate today’s media and spectator landscape.” “We’re excited that Jason, Colin, Vijay, and Sergio have stepped up to the plate and volunteered to help Patrick,” said Fenster. ...

Sponsors who pay touring professionals $200,000 to more than $1,000,000 a year are annoyed and angry. Ted Wolfe, Executive Director for the trade group Show My Logo, tells Golf Lampoon that “our members are angry that pro golfers are hiding hat logos beneath their sunglasses. We don’t think it’s intentional … but we do believe that a little re-education is in order.” To that end, Show My Logo is requiring all pro golfers with hat ...

LPGA Commissioner Michael Whan was named this past week to replace Mike Davis as the USGA’s CEO. Whan has hit the ground running as evidenced in the press release below. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Michael Whan, in one of his first acts as the newly-installed CEO of the USGA, is committed to addressing one of the issues that has plagued past U.S. Open championships: whining. “We’ve all witnessed male touring pros whining and pouting on the ...

Phil Mickelson has denounced the USGA’s CEO Mike Whan’s slow-play initiative as “yet another dick move.” Last week Whan announced how the USGA will deal with pokey players at next month’s US Open at the Los Angeles Country Club: “Rolex, our corporate partner, will have its iconic 20-foot-high clock positioned near the first tee box at LACC. When one of our walking officials determines that a player is 15 minutes behind the group in front ...

The 1987 Shearson Lehman Brothers Andy Williams Open … which became the Shearson Lehman Hutton Andy Williams Open … which became the Shearson Lehman Hutton Open … which became the Shearson Lehman Brothers Open … which became the Buick Invitational of California … which became the Buick Invitational … which became the Farmers Insurance Open … which is scheduled to become the Multiple Personalities Disorder Open … is famous for Craig Stadler’s disqualification for “building ...

Last Sunday’s final round of the Honda Classic saw Tommy Fleetwood hit his approach shot into the water on the par-5 18th hole. Was the errant shot caused by a fan yelling “Get in the hole!” during Fleetwood’s backswing? Gay Ming, VP of the PGA Tour’s gaming division, says emphatically, “Yes!” “This was part of a test we were running to demonstrate how much fun it is for the wagering golf fan to affect the ...

As a wee lad, Rory McIlroy delighted audiences with his ability to chip golf balls into a washing machine. And at the 2019 Open Championship, Rory wore a Nike golf shirt adorned with a washing machine logo as shown here: Note that in both instances, the washing machines are FRONT loaders. This has the manufacturers of TOP loading machines extremely agitated. “It’s a slap in the face to the men and women of our industry,” ...

Yesterday’s second round of The Northern Trust saw Rory McIlroy receive a two-shot penalty for touching what he thought was a loose impediment in a bunker. The penalty was later rescinded and McIlroy’s reputation for impeccable honesty was restored. That is, until this morning. A disturbing photo emerged on Twitter of McIlroy and his caddie at Coney Island earlier in the week. When viewed under an electron microscope, McIlroy can be seen testing the beach ...

Brooks Koepka, by virtue of his win last week at the WGC FedEx St. Jude Invitational in Memphis, won the “Wyndham Rewards Top 10” First Prize of $2 million. Koepka is not competing in the Wyndham Championship which began today in Greensboro, NC. Nor are any other “Wyndham Rewards Top 10” eligible players, with the exception of Paul Casey. To put it plainly, 9 out of 10 eligible players are willing to take Wyndham’s bonus ...

The 2018 Open Championship saw Kevin Kisner, Zach Johnson, Justin Thomas, Jason Dufner, Jordan Spieth, Jimmy Walker, and Rickie Fowler sharing a house together near Carnoustie, Scotland. Critics carped that in “the old days,” hardened competitors would have never been roommates during a major championship. Disproving this notion is a handwritten note recently discovered in an Aiken, South Carolina attic. It was written by Ben Hogan and addressed to “Sam” (Snead) and “Byron” (Nelson). The ...