LIV Golf – Golf Lampoon

Masters Tournament Canceled?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The Masters Golf Tournament may be canceled, pending review by the Department of Golf’s (DOG) Go-Back-To-Where-You-Came-From division. Sources have told DOG that illegal immigrants have been hired to service the portable toilets used on the grounds of Augusta National Golf Club during the week of its Masters Golf Tournament. Deputy Secretary for DOG Public Affairs Henry Himmler states the following: “We will conduct an investigation of this serious matter. If it turns ...

Outgoing LIV Golf Commissioner Greg Norman had some unfortunate news for LIV Golf members that’s sure to ruin their holiday season: many of them will have their heads removed by the end of the year. “As a business, we just couldn’t sustain losing hundreds of millions of dollars a year,” said Norman. “We’re not running a charity. In the last few weeks, it became clear that we had to cut — and I do mean ...

LIV Golf Commissioner Greg Norman introduced Danielle Dunes as the Dhuby Dhu Classic’s official camel wrangler at Tuesday’s Media Day. The camels will be used to carry the players’ bags, thus eliminating the need for caddies. One almost-major winner remarked, “Bring on the camels! The day I give a caddie 10% of a million bucks is the day I start buying my own golf balls.” One Top-50 Lifetime Medical Exemption player stood up and asked: ...

Responding to criticism that women are subjugated citizens of Saudi Arabia, LIV Golf spokesperson Nasser el-Flack said that “LIV Golf is excited and proud to have women as part of our team. All of our Rules Officials are extremely competent women who can be seen — well, not really seen — patrolling the grounds at all LIV Golf tournaments. They won’t hesitate to warn dawdling players to get back in position with this 5-step process”:

Last week, a LIV Golf tournament was contested in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. 2,600 U.S. citizens were recruited by LIV Golf to serve as volunteers at the tournament. One of those volunteers, who shall remain nameless because he was eating a Virginia ham sandwich in Saudi airspace and fears having his tongue cut off, sent Golf Lampoon the following excerpt from a journal he kept: “LIV Golf Volunteer Confidential.” I been a volunteer at a PGA ...

Tiger Woods “moves the needle.” When Tiger plays in a golf tournament, several things occur: All of the above spells M-O-N-E-Y. When Tiger plays, the golf world cashes in. But now that Tiger plays so infrequently, that cash cow ain’t giving milk. This has led to the creation of an exploratory committee called Tiger At Any Cost or TAAC. Over the last year, TAAC has been working with some of Silicon Valley’s most talented Artificial ...

Years ago, it was difficult not to see a golf touring pro wearing an ion wrist bracelet. Manufacturers were confident that the bracelets produced negative ions which could, in some cases, reduce the positive ions that might present themselves during a crescent moon and afflict golfers of a particular genetic makeup with possible assorted physical ailments including arthritis, tendinitis, back pain, and fill-in-the-blank-here-itis. These days, one is hard-pressed to see ion wrist bracelets on tour. ...

LIV Golf will be hosting a team event — the Autocrats Cup — next week to honor the bold leaders who’ve led their countries to glory. The 3-day tournament will be held in Siberia Friday through Sunday at the venerable Gulag Golf and Country Club. LIV Golf Tour members will compete against various worldwide detained citizens with the intention of teaching them a lesson or two. Fans are invited to attend Thursday’s “Burn Your U.S. ...

For decades, PGA Tour events have provided players with courtesy vehicles from a local car dealership… usually upscale brands such as Cadillac, Lexus, and Mercedes-Benz. Last weekend’s LIV Golf tournament in Bolton, Massachusetts broke with that tradition by putting courtesy camels at the players’ disposal. A chartered 747 — accompanied by a B-2 Stealth Bomber and an A-10 Warthog — flew the players who didn’t have their own private jets to Boston’s Logan airport. A ...

Five LPGA players have joined the LIV Ladies Golf Tour. Shown here with their new Tour cards, the ladies will compete in full burqas … which is just fine with the players:

The first LIV Golf tournament was completed yesterday at the Centurion Golf Club outside of London and one of the players was angry… VERY angry. Golf Lampoon caught up with the contestant who declined to be identified for fear of being invited to the wedding of a Bedouin sheikh’s eldest daughter. Here is a transcript of the interview conducted with Player X: Golf Lampoon: So how did your first tournament go? Player X: I can’t ...

Golf Lampoon has learned that LIV Golf is “sportswashing” not to detract from Saudi Arabia’s human rights abuses … but to establish a monopoly network of gas stations in the U.S. A “Petroleum Manifesto” was discovered recently in the toilet of Greg Norman’s private jet by a maintenance crew at REDACTED airport. The 20-page document had not been torn into pieces and was fully legible. The Manifesto, in chilling detail, revealed that LIV Golf plans ...

LIV Golf Senior VP of Hostile Acquisitions, Sheik el-Shakeitup, announced today that the Saudi-based organization has reached an agreement to purchase Augusta National Golf Club for 10,000 trillion U.S. Dollars. “We are excited to add Augusta National to our worldwide portfolio of premier properties,” said Shakeitup. “Going forward, with Greg Norman installed as Augusta National’s Chairman, we will be making additions and improvements that will increase this historic property’s value and elevate its status as ...