Tournaments – Golf Lampoon

The Member-Dismember Tournament

Ping, Callaway, TaylorMade, Titleist, XXIO, etc. have been fiddling with club head weight distribution for decades. The theory goes, the more weight you can shift to the perimeter of the face, the easier it will be for high handicappers to get the ball airborne. But after 50+ years of R&D, club designers are stumped. They all agree that perimeter weighting has reached a point of diminishing returns. Until now. A research breakthrough has occurred at ...

The WM Phoenix Open saw the golf fans at the iconic 16th hole expel more vomit and urine than anytime in the tournament’s illustrious history. Waste Management’s CEO, James Dreck, addressed this in the following press release: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The WM Phoenix Open saw record crowds enjoying world-class golf yesterday at TPC Scottsdale. Waste Management is proud to be the title sponsor of this historic golf tournament … and we are especially pleased to ...

You’ve seen it on televised golf tournaments dozens of times: a player’s drive disappears into the rough and a marshal comes over and marks the landing area with a small, brightly-colored nylon flag. Dave Bermudadeap was one such marshal at a PGA Tour event when he had his “Eureka!” moment and created his company, FlagAds. Dave explains: “It occurred to me that if I sold advertising space on those little flags, the ad message could ...

LIV Golf will be hosting a team event — the Autocrats Cup — next week to honor the bold leaders who’ve led their countries to glory. The 3-day tournament will be held in Siberia Friday through Sunday at the venerable Gulag Golf and Country Club. LIV Golf Tour members will compete against various worldwide detained citizens with the intention of teaching them a lesson or two. Fans are invited to attend Thursday’s “Burn Your U.S. ...

On Tuesday of THE PLAYERS championship week, PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan introduced a new, fan-friendly concept: Jackass Island. Located in the water between the mainland and the green at the Stadium Course’s 17th hole, Jackass Island will be reserved for inebriated gallery members who enjoy watching world-class golf … as well as screaming, vomiting, and urinating. “We’re excited to offer this opportunity to be part of the action at the most iconic hole in ...

A new tournament has been added to the LIV Golf schedule: “The Bonesaw Classic presented by Scary Motherfuckers.” LIV Golf superstar Phil Mickelson says that the event will be held sometime next summer in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia when the temperature goes above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. The inaugural playing of “The Bonesaw Classic presented by Scary Motherfuckers” will benefit the Righteous Home for Retired Head Loppers. “It’s a great charity,” says Mickelson, “and we’re excited to ...

In the beginning, in 1926, there was the Los Angeles Open. The tournament director looked upon the field and said it was “good.” But soon the freeway expansion plague came upon southern California and the tournament led a nomadic life. Its players wandered for 95 years from El Caballero Country Club to Griffith Park to Los Angeles CC to Hillcrest CC to Wilshire CC to Fox Hills CC to Inglewood CC to Brookside Golf Course ...

During yesterday’s telecast of the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am, Golf Channel, before cutting to a commercial, briefly showed two otters in Carmel Bay engaged in “adult” relations. The reaction to these creatures performing the “Maritime Mambo” was swift. Social media lit up with complaints from viewers who were offended by the overtly sexual images. Golf Channel announcer and ex-PGA Tour player Tags Yarit added fuel to the fire with his remark that “the otter bitch ...

This week’s Waste Management Open will have limited spectators because of the COVID-19 pandemic. And the infamous 16th hole at TPC Scottsdale will see only 2,000 fans instead of a raucous 16,000. This will have a huge negative impact on the amount of money the WMO can raise for the charities supported by the local Thunderbirds. Tournament Director Chuck Uptz has met this challenge with a novel fundraising plan: “We’re asking all 2,000 fans who ...

The Northern Trust, first leg of the FedEx playoffs, was completed yesterday at Liberty National Golf Club in Jersey City. By all accounts, it was a great success. But the title sponsor’s CEO, Bill Fenemann, sees room for a major improvement. “We’re excited to host the tournament at Liberty National, as are our clients, employees, and Brink’s truckdrivers,” said Fenemann. “And we’re going to build on that excitement with a bold plan to make the ...

PGA Tour representatives will be at Bethpage State Park (Black Course) for the 2019 PGA Championship. “We’ll approach fans who yell ‘Get in the hole!’ — we call them GITHers — and offer them a free introductory $20 bet when they sign up with PGA TournaBet,” said Gay Ming, VP of the Tour’s gaming division. “We believe that drunk and rowdy fans will have even more fun at PGA Tour events when they have a ...

Good news for the touring professionals contesting 2025’s race for the FedEx Cup: the winner’s share is being increased from $25 million to $175 million. FedEx Senior VP for Marketing, Dee Lever, explained that the TV ratings for Scottie Scheffler’s 2024 victory were a bit disappointing. “We were hoping for a much larger share of the viewing audience as we weren’t up against the regular season NFL programming. I guess paying out $25 million to ...