FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Masters Golf Tournament may be canceled, pending review by the Department of Golf’s (DOG) Go-Back-To-Where-You-Came-From division. Sources have told DOG that illegal immigrants have been hired to service the portable toilets used on the grounds of Augusta National Golf Club during the week of its Masters Golf Tournament.
Deputy Secretary for DOG Public Affairs Henry Himmler states the following:
“We will conduct an investigation of this serious matter. If it turns out to be true that illegals are taking away jobs from American citizens, we will, by Executive Order, close Augusta National on April 3rd and strongly recommend that golf fans attend the LIV Golf tournament to be conducted at Trump National Doral April 4-6th. Most people say that it’s a much BETTER golf tournament than the Masters.
“If Augusta National is prohibited from hosting its Masters Golf Tournament, troops from nearby Fort Eisenhower will surround the club to prevent outsiders from entering the club’s failing Merchandise Pavilion which sells overpriced goods that nobody wants.
“Really GREAT golf merchandise can be purchased at Trump National Doral April 4-6th.”
