The first LIV Golf tournament was completed yesterday at the Centurion Golf Club outside of London and one of the players was angry… VERY angry.
Golf Lampoon caught up with the contestant who declined to be identified for fear of being invited to the wedding of a Bedouin sheikh’s eldest daughter. Here is a transcript of the interview conducted with Player X:
Golf Lampoon: So how did your first tournament go?
Player X: I can’t complain. I was near the bottom of the leaderboard but I still pulled in about 150 grand. Not bad for three days of foolin’ around. But I’m not sure how the exchange rate works. Am I getting dollars converted from pounds, riyals, or whatever? I guess my manager will figure it out.
GL: You told me yesterday in the Manicure Tent that you were pissed off about something.
PX: Yeah, right. On Tuesday my caddie told me that he wanted to get my wedges re-gripped. He walked all around the course — couldn’t find any equipment vans. I couldn’t believe it. I tracked down Greg and said, “‘Yo, Shark, there’s no equipment vans here; where am I supposed to get my sticks re-gripped?”
GL: What did Greg say?
PX: He said, “I’m old enough to be your grandfather; show me some respect and don’t call me ‘Shark.’” I mean, yeah, he was right. I never heard of this guy until my manager told me about him. Dude was snake bit. I mean, Larry Mize and that chip at the Masters. Holy shit!
GL: You don’t know the half of it. But tell me more about your re-gripping issue.
PX: Yeah, I mean, like, so Greg goes off on me … starts telling me about some world tour idea he had a million years ago … how the PGA Tour stole his idea and fucked him over … dude’s been livin’ in Bitter Land like, forever. My sport psychologist says you gotta let go of that shit or it’ll eat you up.
GL: He’s right but what happened with your clubs?
PX: Yeah, so my wedges had last been re-gripped about a month ago. The rubber was getting worn by 1/64th of an inch so I wanted to get ’em re-gripped. You know, like always, on the cuff. No big deal, right? So I asked Greg where were the equipment vans. He said they were supposed to have been flown over in ten C-130 cargo planes but the Pentagon found out about it and grounded them.
GL: Then what happened?
PX: Greg got a limo and sent my caddie with my 3 wedges to some local golf shop near London. My caddie gets there, gets the clubs re-gripped, and get this: the fuckin’ guy CHARGES my caddie some quids or something for the grips!!! CHARGES US FUCKIN’ MONEY! I haven’t paid for golf equipment shit in 20 years!
GL: Did you tell Greg what happened?
PX: Absolutely! Nobody charges ME for grips! I don’t take that crap lyin’ down! I found Greg over in the Bidet Tent and told him what happened. He said, “Don’t worry about it, mate. Give me the receipt; I’ll send it to headquarters and get you reimbursed.” The next day my wife Facetimes me from California and tells me that there’s a new Limited Edition Ferrari Pista sitting in our driveway! That’s a $645,000 car, dude! LIV Golf — you gotta love it! But I still wanna get reimbursed for those grips. You know, like, it’s the principle of the thing.
