LPGA Commissioner Michael Whan was named this past week to replace Mike Davis as the USGA’s CEO. Whan has hit the ground running as evidenced in the press release below.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Michael Whan, in one of his first acts as the newly-installed CEO of the USGA, is committed to addressing one of the issues that has plagued past U.S. Open championships: whining.
“We’ve all witnessed male touring pros whining and pouting on the greens,” says Whan. “You often see them — after missing a putt — staring at the hole, tamping down imaginary spike marks, glaring at their caddies, gesturing with their hands this way and that way, mumbling, grumbling, tossing their putters at their golf bags, examining their golf balls for who-knows-what (Hey, fellas, the balata days are over! Spare us the “out-of-round” bullshit, will ya?), and storming off to the next tee while keeping their heads turned back towards the offending green.
“We will be addressing the players’ concerns by appointing Jason Gore as our new Senior Director of Player Relations. As a tour player himself, Jason fully understands what it feels like to miss a putt and then throw a hissy fit on national television. Jason’s door will always be open to any tour player who feels the need to be held and comforted.
“Going forward, the USGA believes that the non-stop whining/complaining/crying/bellyaching/grousing/griping — and yes, even kvetching — about the greens at U.S. Open venues is not in the best interest of golf. The moaning and groaning from tour professionals is setting a terrible example for junior golfers. Case in point: at last year’s U.S. Junior
Amateur, one of the competitors — a 12-year-old who shall remain nameless — missed a short putt and was heard on TV to mutter: ‘These fucking greens suck!’ (Note that in this particular instance, the competitor, per a Local Rule, was advised by the Committee that he should watch his big fucking mouth. The little piece of shit!)
“So, going even more forward, the USGA — after receiving input from the various worldwide golf organizations, as well as from club/ball manufacturers, and the Hydraulic Fluid Association of America (HFAOA) — has instituted a new rule which will take effect in the 2050 U.S. Open: Any player found guilty of making disparaging remarks about the putting surface will be required to attend a 5-day USGA Rules Seminar. It is our fervent hope that this harsh but necessary plan of action will result in U.S. Opens free from hysterical crying and pissed-off facial gestures.”
