“They’re making a huge amount of money off me.”
Thus spoke President Donald Trump regarding this week’s Presidents Cup at Medinah Country Club.
“The PGA Tour owns the Presidents Cup and they’re making hundreds of millions using my name — ***PRESIDENT!*** — without my permission,” said Trump.
“I told the DOJ to shut down the tournament and throw the Tour commissioner in jail. What’s that guy’s name again, Rolaids? And Secretary Kennedy tells me that the sports drinks the players get — for FREE, by the way — are filled with sugar and electric lights. We’re gonna look into that, you know, from a health angle.”
PGA Tour Commissioner Brian Rolapp responded to President Trump’s threat with the following press release:
TO BE RELEASED IMMEDIATELY
The PGA Tour is excited — and proud — to announce that this year’s Presidents Cup will be contested as scheduled at Medinah Country Club in Medinah, Illinois.
Regarding President Trump’s comments about the Presidents Cup, let me say that we have tremendous respect for our Commander-in-Chief … and we pray for the continuing impressive appreciation of his sizeable cryptocurrency investments. (As an aside, I only wish I would have listened to some of our corporate Board members and gotten in on the ground floor of crypto. A double-bogey on my part!)
As our President is fully aware, the Presidents Cup generates over $REDACTED for deserving charities around the world. Moreover, after deducting the costs of player stipends ($250,000 per player), insurance, security, hotels, Michael Jordan’s wi-fi-enabled golf cart, corporate chalet concierges, and private jet rentals (FYI: we do not purchase private jets; never have, never will), the Presidents Cup, for fiscal year 2026, is projected to generate a small profit of $REDACTED.
I would also point out to President Trump that engraved on the inside of the Presidents Cup trophy are register marks, trade marks, service marks, and if-lost-return-to marks. These clearly indicate that the Presidents Cup is legally owned by the PGA Tour.
However, in deference to President Trump (who, by the way, is a very talented golfer. When/if he leaves office, we will be extending to him a special exemption to play on the PGA Tour Champions. Yes, he’s that good!), we have commissioned the Gold Smelter’s Society of North America to create a 24-carat, solid-gold replica of the Presidents Cup trophy. Upon completion, it will be valued in the neighborhood of $24 million and weigh approximately 75 pounds.
Engraved in bas-relief will be President Trump standing heroically at one of his golf properties, surrounded by adoring children recruited from The First Tee of Mar-a-Lago. You can view an artist’s rendering of this heartfelt scene below.
The PGA Tour looks forward to welcoming President Trump to the Presidents Cup trophy presentation on Sunday … where he will officially recognize the U.S. team as the event’s winner … and declare the International team as a “bunch of losers.”
