Punishing Tiger & Phil

Tiger Woods’s 5-year driving ban — according to the social media crowd — is not punishment enough.

And now that LIV Golf has declared bankruptcy, Phil Mickelson will likely want to return to the PGA Tour and/or PGA Champions. How to punish him for leading the 2022 defections to LIV?

A senior PGA Tour executive, on condition of anonymity, informed Golf Lampoon of a strategic plan being assembled by a Top-100 consulting firm. In a nutshell, it would have Tiger Woods use Phil Mickelson as his non-paid chauffeur for one year.

If Woods agrees to be driven around by Mickelson, a man whose dirty, filthy, stinking guts Woods can’t stand, the PGA Tour will strong-arm the Florida sentencing judge to reduce Tiger’s driving ban from five years to one year. It’s believed that listening to Mickelson phone in his college basketball bets — and posting photos of his throbbing meat whistle to his Instagram account — will drive Tiger crazy and make him truly sorry about driving while being “impaired” … and he’ll never do it again!

Tiger would also agree — if the judge is a golfer — to have the judge’s grips changed twice a year at Jimmy’s Golf Land on Okeechobee Blvd. in West Palm Beach. The cost of the grip changes would be borne by Tiger with funds deposited in a Cayman Islands escrow account. Furthermore, Tiger would sign a non-binding affidavit agreeing NOT to ask TaylorMade or Bridgestone to reimburse him for this cost.

As for Mickelson, it is believed that the humiliation and embarrassment of chauffeuring Woods — the man whose dirty, filthy, stinking guts Mickelson can’t stand — will be plentiful punishment for the traitorous Eddie Haskell devotee. However, some PGA Tour execs have pooh-poohed the punishment plan. They are convinced that Mickelson will retire from professional golf and petition the USGA to reinstate his amateur status. Word on the Las Vegas street is that Mickelson has already made a substantial 7-figure future bet to win the 2030 US Senior Amateur championship.