Tiger Woods “moves the needle.” When Tiger plays in a golf tournament, several things occur:
- TV ratings go through the roof
- Social media posts explode
- The “working” press at the tournament site doubles
- Galleries quadruple in size
- Concession sales skyrocket
All of the above spells M-O-N-E-Y. When Tiger plays, the golf world cashes in. But now that Tiger plays so infrequently, that cash cow ain’t giving milk. This has led to the creation of an exploratory committee called Tiger At Any Cost or TAAC.
Over the last year, TAAC has been working with some of Silicon Valley’s most talented Artificial Intelligence engineers to address the “No Tiger” golf landscape. TAAC spokesman Chip Terra explains:
Tiger has said that he intends to play only the four majors and a few selected tournaments. Frankly, we think that even this limited schedule is unrealistic because of his many injuries and the unrelenting march of Father Time Presented by Rolex. So TAAC is excited to announce that we are planning to build a Tiger Woods Android.
TWA will be programmed with all of Tiger’s swings from the last 30 years. Upon completion, Tiger Woods Android will be capable of hitting quail-high stingers, 285-yard fades from sidehill-downhill lies, and tipping Las Vegas cocktail waitresses $1 while he plays $5,000-a-hand blackjack.
TWA will be able to play an unlimited number of golf tournaments and his fans will witness him twirling his clubs at supersonic speeds. We’re also going to build a Tiger Woods Android Two or TWAT who will compete exclusively on the LIV Golf Tour. Commissioner Greg Norman strongly endorsed this idea at a Riyadh press conference: “I think seeing TWAT all around the world will create quite a buzz — no question about it. Imagine some pygmy in Borneo who’s never been to a golf tournament and sees TWAT for the first time. Tell me that’s not going to be a life-changing experience for that pygmy. I guarantee you that he’ll seek out his local pygmy PGA Pro and sign up for lessons.”
The potential for Tiger Woods Android appears to be limitless. He can be a playing captain for every Ryder Cup and President’s Cup team for the next several decades. He can maintain a full head of hair. He can give non-answers to reporters.
Says Chip Terra: “Tiger Woods Android IS the future of golf and we are excited and proud to be part of its development. Our goal is have him functional for the 2029 Masters Tournament where he’ll double-eagle the 15th hole — a la Gene Sarazen in 1935 — and go on to win the tournament by 57 shots. Our Bobby Jones Android will remark after the tournament: “Tiger Woods Android plays a game with which I’m not familiar.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: The recent failure of Silicon Valley Bank led to a halt of research and development of Tiger Woods Android. Tiger Woods At Any Cost declared bankruptcy shortly thereafter and is currently seeking an $80 billion bridge loan from LIV Golf’s Scimitar Collectibles Division.
